I am an only child!
My parents were the only people I related with for many years.
My mum was the disciplinarian, I just couldn’t understand it as a young child, i saw the discipline as lack of love and my dad, he was the cool one, i believed he was the only one who loved me while my mom didn’t, any time my mom wanted to punish me for my wrongs, daddy was always there to support me and protect me.
So the saying of scold a child with one hand and draw him with the other hand was balanced me, for though mom scolds, dad draws me close. My mother believed he was spoiling me while I saw it as love, he loved me!
I idolized my dad, until one day my mum succeeded in getting him to punish me.
I felt betrayed, there was no one to support me that day, no one to cry on, I felt lonely and alone and unloved, no siblings to talk to, I started talking to myself, I became my best friend.
Though that was the only time he did, the bond was already broken, i carried that feeling with me to secondary school, I started associating with people but I prevented myself from getting attached, I didn’t believe they possessed the ability to love me.
Whenever the need to talk to someone or to vent flooded me, I wrote it down and no one was allowed to see it, not until one day my mom stumbled on one of my write-ups on how I felt unloved.
she profess how she loves me but I couldn’t believe it, I stopped writing because I felt my write-ups weren’t safe anymore.
I came to the university, finished my first level with no friends to really call my own,I have people I move around with but I didn’t trust their friendship.
In my second year, God opened the eyes of my heart and for the first time I experienced a different kind of love. God’s unconditional love!
As I got to know Christ more and how merciful he is, how that no matter how filthy I am, I can still crawl to him and he will cleanse me, he was ever ready for all the mess I was willing to carry along with me.
Christ opened my eyes, i began to see things my eyes were blind to, that was when I figured out that the devil fed me with lies (that I didn’t deserve to be loved and that I wasn’t loved) and what annoyed me the most was that I believed him.
I started believing in God’s word,
I started believing in good things,
I started believing in love,
I found out that if God can love me so then his children have the capacity to love me too.
When I look back today, I wonder how I could have believed that my parents didn’t love me and truly it all boils down to the fact that your reality is what you believe in!
So I now believe in positive things!
I believe that I am loved,
I believe that I am cherished,
I believe that I am his project and God can’t and wouldn’t abandon this project (Me).
His thoughts towards me are of good and not of evil,
I gained confidence in him and I’m still gaining from him everyday of my life.
Now i write my prayer points and even when they get answered, I keep them for reference and today when I look back at my prayer points, at the process, at the pain, at my scars. I feel no pain and my scars, they are beautifully made!
My relationship with my parents have improved, my relationship with friends have improved greatly, I can’t say that I am there yet but I know that I am not where I used to be and I am ready for each and every step God is going to take with me…
I was born for a purpose, for his glory, for his love and for this day, for this generation. I love Jesus and I am unashamed about it!
I trust you with my future explicitly, Lord!