I don’t think this is as difficult as I imagined it to be but hi guys, I’m here.🌚
Five years ago i asked God for a platform and in return I would tell my story and other people’s stories and give him back the glory. My first blog failed woefully cause I was still trying to discover myself, now it’s been three years since I started my journey as a blogger and I will love to say a huge thank you for your constant support, your views, likes, comments and shares. I’m greatful! I’m not babbling but what I’m about to share with you used to be a big wound in my life and I need to catch my breathe.
So I knew about sex a bit early, not from sex education or my mum siting me down to give me the talk but from the neighbors I had to stay with while my single mum was busy working. I started watching porn at about five years old, from when I had no idea what it was they were doing on the black and white screen to when I understood every single sensual part of my body.
And when I had to run from those same neighbors I called aunties and uncles trying to touch me in all the wrong places, I can’t say I pulled through completely but I still have ugly memories flash through my mind, and while growing up I struggled with my whole life and fought with every single energy not to be addicted to sex. While my mates enjoyed reading a book at night I found it pleasing to browse naked pictures and watch porn online.
I don’t Know if while growing up I thought it to be wrong cause it was everything everyone was doing around me, they watched it freely even in the day time so it was ordinary, or at least I believed it and I never had to hide from anyone. I mean when I’m not in school, I’m home alone or at my neighbors.
I told my mum before it got worst but I guess I just never had a way of making things clear at that age. I can’t remember what I said but I just wasn’t clear and I had to endure it for almost another five years of my life and in that five years, I believed a whole lot of things, I believed their lies, I believed every single thing they told me about my body, about my gender, about how to stay happy. They were my first tutors on sex and they gave me the highlights.
I grew up hating men, I grew up believing that I would never be enough without giving my body out and while I struggled with that as a Muslim, I mean while I struggled to find my place in a world were you couldn’t trust your kids with anyone, I started to hear God!
Although the damage was already done and I craved sexual pleasure more than any other thing, when I found solace in romance novels, I heard God. It was crazy at first, I just stormed on the Bible in our room and for days it was just there waiting for me to at least come close. So I had stay in my room and abuse myself, abuse my mind and watch it my life collapse.
I decided to flip through the pages one day, I was tired of lying to everyone and looking like the good innocent child at home. They all thought I was this sweet child that loved books never did they see pass me.
One crazy step
My life took a detour when I flipped through those thin pages that held heavy words I couldn’t explain nor understand, words that drove me out of my house as a child into the four walls of the church, I wanted an answer. I was desperate for one. Every bit of me screamed for help only God could hear, no one saw what I looked like inside, I was messed up emotionally, mentally and physically.
God can help you fix all the messes you’ve created.
I went to church one evening, no (I didn’t go) I walked pass a church in my area and I saw a friend and she invited me in. I sat and listen to them rehearse a song they were to sing on Sunday morning and instead of listening for the lyrics, I was looking at them. They had something I lacked and might never get, purity. They could sit comfortably with those boys and sing like it was okay to do so and those boys were not looking at them the way those uncles looked at them! They saw them as sisters and I wanted to be seen that way, to be looked upon with pure adoration and kindness that’s not demanding.
Few months later my cousin came from my mummy’s home town to baby sit and watch over the house while my mum was away and because I wasn’t comfortable with the neighbors anymore. You know the saying…
The devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know.
I was abused brutally by my cousin and he threatened over and over to stab me If I say a word and it’s scared the life out of me. So when I tell you that I fought low-self esteem to be where I am right now I mean it.
The first thing I had to deal with was acceptance, I needed to accept myself, I needed to undo the damages, I needed self love but I was nothing but a damage good but that’s the favorite part of my story.
You are not damaged, you are planted.
How I overcame sexual sin
There is something I love about God, when he meets you, he is not in a rush to change who you are, he is not in a rush to show you how mighty and great he is, he is not in a rush to prove himself cause he owes it to no one. Instead he shows you what love is and what it feels like to be loved.
I woke up one morning and the love of the father was overwhelming, I felt it in my bones and I wanted it but to keep it I needed myself, I took a pen and wrote every single thing I hated about myself, I accepted it as my weakness and I asked God to help me see myself through the lens of his eyes. I needed to see that sexual sin is deadly and I needed to forgive myself.
“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”
1 Corinthians 6:18 KJV
Most truth are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up. -Edward R. Murrow
I remember walking to church and that very day I met a pastor, I introduced myself and told him that I came to church to discover my purpose.
I remember his beautiful smile and his warm embrace, the second time I didn’t attach any meaning to a males proximity. He thought me a lot and walked me through the process of self discovery, that day I went back home and I knelt down. I didn’t know how to pray as a Christian then but I did pray and I still remember what I said cause it started to change my life, to change the way I saw myself, to change the things I believed about myself. I had my difficult days, I had days I crawled back to my old self, I had days I felt naked and I hid from God, I had days I felt worthless while discovering my self.
I will stop here for today, I’m glad I shared this with you. So you can see that we all have scars, thank God they don’t hurt anymore🙇🏾♀️🙇🏾♀️🙇🏾♀️
I can’t imagine my life without God… where would I be? What an amazing Grace♥️
He is still waiting for you darling!
Feel comfortable to share your thought in the comment box and I promise to reply them all and you can find my contact details on the homepage♥️